Never Caught Myself
by Smirk Solicitor
Summary: "My life is worth nothing compared to yours, you made me feel something and that alone is a feat. But you made me feel worth while, worth something."


All of this in James' POV, and thank you LIVE4DANCE, you really helped me J

I forced my way into Lily's life like a sickening parasite, full of self-loathing and anger at the world only five people could understand. The Marauders and Snape, I never liked Snape but for Lily's sake, I pretend. Well, to myself anyway, I terrorize him but I simply cannot help it, it is in my blood.

I saw myself as if I have horns, someone who puts up a front and charges at anything within moving distance. I feel out of control and ugly, like one of those Greek fables the Minotaur.

_And shall I tell you what the Minotaur said to me? _

My entire life was coated in beauty to hide its ugly core, my father often absent, my mother heartbroken, my love spurned, my friends in constant danger, and I...unfeeling as a rock. I suppose this is why I torment Evans so much, because when she shouts at me I feel anger, I feel…something. At least I have something; she, Snape, and Sirius helped me in that respect, to feel, to _be_.

I truly wanted to feel and that's why I have been with so many women, angered so many men, been the favorite by pure choice. I needed stimulant to feel, aren't I monster?

"Remus can you pass the bacon?" Peter asked humbly lowering his eyes as if Moony were holy or something. He was a blond, rat like figure that never ceased to annoy the crap out of Sirius and made poor Remus feel awkward.

"Sure Wormtail," Remus obliged while Sirius rolled his eyes manically and caught that cruel gleam in his eye.

"Oh Remmy my dear boy let me kiss your shoes, I will do anything for you! Dear chap let me carry your books, let me wash your clothes, here you can use my books, anything for you Remmy!" I flinched and head slapped him. Sirius and I were a lot alike, but I did not feel the malicious need except when it came to Snape, he was too similar to me.

"Bugger off Padfoot," I said lazily and picked at the toast. Sirius sighed and started loading heavy amounts of egg onto my plate.

"C'mon Prongs, let it be an eggs day at least!" he urged me, but I refused and let the frightened first year pick it off. His arms could not reach anything so kindly I allotted him the jam and sugar as well.

"Another servant indentured to the Marauders," Frank Longbottom observed from across the table. He was our mate and Head Boy, two years older and in love with our other friend Alice Prewett. I ignored the jibe and regarded our new schedule, excited for Transfiguration and of course Defense Against the Dark Arts, the two were my favorites.

"Damn, Lena's looking hot today." Sirius said peering at Lily's best friend Lena Iglesias-Zabini, the lovely Hispanic girl with pink cheeks and ice blue eyes. Her hair fell in perfect curls and she always wore a special charm bracelet and long sleeves.

"Yeah and did you see Sora?" the pretty, Vietnamese girl who Remus obsessed over. She was Sirius' ex and longest ever-lasting relationship, however, Sirius accepted this with enough grace and seemed genuinely pleased.

"I like Ventura," I gagged on my pumpkin juice and in accord Frank, myself, Sirius, and Remus through pieces of kipper and egg at him.

"Ventura?" Lena's twin in Slytherin, they were pureblood and Ventura was destined to become a trophy wife. Pretty but not as gorgeous as Lena, and stupid as hell, the Force basically hates her and every other High Power Moony rants on about.

"Worm," Sirius began crudely. "She's as dumb as an ugly oompa loompa, and that's extremely hard to be since oompa loompas are always adorable….No wait, she is an insult to oompa loompas!" I smirked at that, cupped my goblet in one hand, and with the other flicked some onto a passerby Slytherin's pants. The poor guy he looked as if he pissed, of course that was the plan.

"Potter…and look!" I heard my best friend Lena's voice and sighed running a hand through my hair. Dammnit! This was getting me back for saying her seeking skills had something to desire.

"POTTER!" Evan's oh-so-sweet voice spiked through the air, cutting through it like as knife and rasping against my ears. She was short and actually breathtaking, stunning, gorgeous beyond imagination; I just didn't like her personality. Like I said, I torment her for the amusement and thrill.

"What the bloody hell does that woman want now?" I droned out making Frank laugh. He liked Lily as a sister because she and Alice were tight friends, 'like shoelaces' or some bullshit like that. She strode over and wacked me on the head like an angry midget and breathed some threats in my ear, I murmured some calmly back and she began to go off.

"Oh God Evans." Sirius said, oh Sirius, he loved staying with me and my parents and he was practically my brother but he was my best friend. He was her best friend too. Sirius, Remmy, Lena, Sora, Alice, Marlene, Dorcas, and every other girl in our school were best friend s with her. But those seven were her closest confidences. I liked them well enough but I was very close with Lena and Sora, Alice I like immensely and Marlene was always off smacking on Benjy Fenwick while Dorcas sat and was nerdy.

"Black he's being an arse!" she burst out irritably, "and I haven't even had my toast yet!" Evans and I did share one thing.

First year.

_Lily Evans was shoveling pancakes onto her plate while Sirius and I, James the Big Man, eater ogled her while hot chicks filed by to sit beside her. One, Alice asked her what her deal was with all of the lactose and flour and she sweetly replied, "it just feels like a great day, like a pancake day! Thank God it's not an egg day or God forbid an egg day!" _

We laughed but the tradition was sticking with me.

"A toast day Lils?" Lena asked shrewdly seating herself beside me and stealing the remnants of my eggs, "I personally like all breakfast food but then again I love all food." Lena was model skinny but she ate like she was a bottomless pit.

"Well I saw Herbert…so yah." A new voice joined, I laughed while Sora sat on the other side of me in-between me and Sirius who pouted because Lena was now three people away. "That weird guy who keeps stalking me since some idiot spread the rumor I 'like-liked' him! And I don't! I like guys who are into music and the like, things like that but he doesn't do whiz!"

"Now, now So-So language!" Marley admonished her and sat next to Frank while Alice settled beside Remus. "We can't have ickle firsties hearing such talk!" she received the finger for that. "Oh Benjy over here!" Frank seethed, we all hated Benjy besides Remus. He was the Ravenclaw prefect and was constantly talking to Evans and Moony, but even Evans thought he was stupid.

"Hello dear ones," he said cheerily. "Good day?" ugh see, he's so…peppy.

"Benjamin." Sirius said mock seriously, wow the stupid joke is rubbing on me.

"Fenny dearest," I said sweetly. "How is Ainsly?" he had been with Marlene's best friend a month ago and still had not told her. See, butthead. He threw me a filthy look, which made Sirius and Frank snort into their plates while Peter looked stoned, and Remus ignored my antics. Hahaha I could practically read his thoughts '_fuck of Potter_,' oh he was fun to bother.

"Oh what are your schedules?" Lena asked eagerly brandishing the paper of death and shoving it under my nose. She looked hilarious shunning Benjy and flipped her hair to entice the boys staring at her from the other tables. But they all knew her and her favorite catch phrase, "suffer," accompanied by a giggle. She was the ultimate flirt.

"Exactly the same except you are in potions with the Ravenclaws," she smiled at the thought and I sneered jokingly at Sirius.

"With Zac?" she nodded happily, she had a "thing" with this guy Zac Vane and it pissed Padfoot off to no end. Of course, Zac was very handsome and an amazing Quidditch player, chaser I had to approve.

"Guys," it was Dorcas and she appeared distraught. "Sirus…um I don't know how to tell you this but...your father is dead and your brother a Death Eater."

Awkward, me, the king of awkward.

"Sirius," I said warningly. I knew him, he was about to leap up and head straight to the bathroom and puke his guts out. "Remember your true family," a girl showed up at my elbow and annoyingly asked me if it hurt. "Have we met? I'm James Potter! Oh you are that girl Emily I met at that party! You know you look better when I'm drunk! We will catch up later and I hope you found your head, now can't you see I'm busy?" she scampered away attempting to appear coy and failing massively.

"Sirius!" Lily, Lena, and Sora stood up but did not follow him. Sora had slept over at his house before because all purebloods were close and Lena too, both of them were scared and knew his habits. Lily loved him like a brother and looked as if she wanted to punch the lights out of Regulaus' stupid face, at least those were my feelings.

Dorcas began to cry into her hands and show us the issue of the _Daily Prophet_.

**ORION BLACK KILLED**

_Orion Black 64, died in the middle of a muggle street alone by the Avada Kedavra curse. _

_Sources say because of the new trouble maker and muggle hater Voldemort, at large, felt threatened and soon will go after the Black boys no doubt. His wife Walburga is notably upset and has donated a large sum to the Auror Rosier for the office to catch him. Along with 3 mil. pounds she has also donated several family heirlooms like cups, paintings, and ancient crests. We mourn for her loss and are doing everything we can to prevent this from happening to other wives, children, and husbands._


End file.
